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A Word on..

Couples Therapy.

Everyone should be doing this, whether you’re new in your relationship, married, getting married, about to move in, figuring out whether or not to break up, co-parenting, divorcing, cohabitating. It doesn’t matter.

Relationships are the one place where your defense mechanisms are triggered, your traumas are bought up, your deepest fears and anxieties are thrown in your face and you might not even realize it’s happening. There’s lots of schools of through when it comes to couples and couples dynamics and since I don’t have the time, energy or knowledge to go through all of them I’ll state the most popular and widely accepted/used. Keep in mind this theory or school of thought probably has a name but in all honestly I can’t remember what is it.

The relationships we have with our parents/caregivers are the most important and impactful ones we will ever have in our entire lives. They set the framework for the rest of our lives and usually inform how we relate to friends, family, partners, co-workers, strangers and everyone in between. Besides your parents the second most intimate relationship you have is with your romantic partner. Usually in our relationships we are either recreating the cycle we had with our parents, or searching for something our parents didn’t give us.

For a very simplified example: Larry grew up in a household where his parents didn’t give him a lot of love, when he goes out into the dating world he will either a) look for a partner that is overly loving and affectionate or b) find a partner that mirrors the way his parents loved him or C) he might even mirror what his parents did to him and get a partner that mirrors the way that he was as a child (ie he is unloving and his partner is constantly searching for love that he can’t give) make sense?

So it is our job as therapists to figure out what the dynamic is, bring it to the attention of the couple and fix it.

And if you think your relationship is perfect, you get along and you never fight so whats the issue, you’re wrong 🙂 No relationship is perfect, no relationship is even close to perfect, and that’s because people aren’t perfect, and before you think ‘oh well we’re not having any problems now so we’re good, we don’t need therapy. I want you to remember this, it’s always easier to put out a fire when it’s in one room versus when it’s in both bedrooms, the bathroom and making it’s way to dining room.

Click here if you’re ready to dig a little deeper

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A Word on….

Situational Depression

I realize I made a previous post on depression but left out one very important type of depression that in my professional opinion is the most commonly suffered among all the categories.

Situational depression occurs when your depression is triggered by a certain situation and usually lifts when that situation is over. For example, you’ve been working at a company for 6 years, you’re unhappy there but not depressed. Suddenly you get let go and struggle for the next 6-9 months while searching for a new job. You’re not someone who has ever suffered from depression previously, but during this time you experience significant biological changes ie. increased or decreased sleep, changes in appetite, weight loss, loss of interest in things that once bought you joy, feelings on hopelessness. However, once you find and start your new job, or the prospect of a new job comes into your life your symptoms lift. This type of depression I find is not only very common but difficult to treat. Of course you can temporarily take medications to decrease your feelings of anxiety but in most cases the only thing you can do is help to improve the situation or wait until the situation improves and the depression lifts.

Although this is not specified in the DSM as an official diagnosis I think almost everyone can relate to the above description and while it might not be a job that you are depressed over you can substitute it for just about anything (a friendship, relationship, family conflict, illness etc.) More than likely this might be diagnosed as mixed anxiety with depressed mood (which is in the DSM-V).

Regardless of what it’s called and what triggers is, it’s important to know that while it feels permanent, this type of depression is rapid moving, unpredictable, but most important will not last forever, and while we can’t always control our circumstances or the things that make up depressed, we can get through it, all we can do is try to find the thing that gets us through each day and endure.

If you are interested in speaking more about treating your depression, and finding ways to cope click here to schedule a free 15 minute consultation.

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Sorting through bad advice

Ever since the pandemmy terms like ‘burnout’, ‘self-care’, ‘boundaries’ and a host of other mental health terms have come to the forefront. Don’t get my wrong I only just entered into my professional mental health era a few years ago, but WOW do people love to throw these terms around.

It can be dangerous when people who don’t have the initials LMSW, MSW, LSW, PsyD, Phd or a host of other combinations after their names begin to through some of these terms around in everyday conversation.

What doesn’t kill you makes your stronger, you just have to get through this and everything will be okay
Look on the bright side! – this will build so much resilience

Stay strong, things could be worse

Just put one foot in front of the other

These words are not helpful. They don’t make people feel better. They don’t encourage anyone. They are just canned responses to hard times when people don’t know what to say, and yes they are not said with mal intent but they also don’t help.

What are some of the most unhelpful phrases or words of encouragement you’ve heard?

If you are seeking professional help to get through a hard time, book a consultation with a licensed professional

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A Word on

Life Coaches.

Now let me choose my words carefully because a lot of you out there are A) Either life coaches B) see a life coach or C) Think that you don’t need a therapist and will settle for a life coach instead.

With that being said and as an LMSW (Licensed Master of Social Work) and someone who offers coaching services here is my two cents.

When someone goes to a life coach they are generally looking for: Help getting through a stressful time in their life, Managing a new job, getting through a life transition, friend/family drama, getting organized etc. I don’t have any issue with this whatsoever because there’s always value in getting a second, third or fourth opinion on something, my issue lies in the fact that many life coaches don’t have any sort of formal training that even remotely resembles that of a therapist. They don’t have courses in conflict management, objectivity, human behavior, trauma, coping skills, and not even close to the same amount of training and clinical hours as a therapist. A lot of life coaches go through training which consists of learning how to run a business, helping identify problems and solving those problems, it’s comparable to solutions based therapy (which is short term, goal oriented). They learn ‘positive psychology’, ‘strengths based work’ and ‘problem solving’ which again *I have no problem with*. My issue lies with those who take in clients who are suffering from depression, anxiety, DV, trauma and other actual mental health issues that require someone with training to assist. My favorite types of life coaches are those that have a background in mental health because they are able identify when someone needs solutions based therapy and a more intense therapy such as DBT, CBT or one of the other handful of methods.

I also have a problem with people who refuse to acknowledge that they actually need therapy (pretty much everyone I know could benefit from at least a few sessions) and fool themselves into thinking ‘oh I just need to get my life organized’ or ‘oh I just need help picking the right guy/girl, not sure why I keep going for the same type of person’ or ‘oh I just need help getting through this rough patch then I’ll be okay’. Usually the reason you need help with this is because you’re subconsciously repeating a pattern (a pattern of trauma) and while a life coach might help you break free from this pattern, this one time, it’s probably gonna come back. There’s probably other things that are going to pop up, and more than likely, one area might be solved, and another sore spot it going to pop up and that is why you need a therapist, a therapist who also offers coaching services, or a life coach in conjunction with a therapist.

No one has or had a perfect life, everyone has had trauma, and no one is able to live a life free of negativity and toxicity. These are facts, not fiction. So I highly recommend you take a moment, sit in silence with yourself for 10-15 minutes and think about what patterns you repeat in your life and why.

And if you need help, your friendly neighborhood licensed therapist and life coach, is here to help.

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A Word on

Depression

There are a few types of diagnosable depressions in the DSM.

  • Major Depressive Disorder
  • Persistant Depressive Disorder
  • Unspecified Depression
  • Honorable mention to PMDD and Seasonal Affective Disorder

Let’s get into it- Major Depressive disorder is a depressed mood that impairs your functioning (eating, sleeping, irritability, hopelessness, sadness) for at least 2 weeks. That’s right, all it takes is two weeks. When the things that normally make you happy don’t make you happy anymore, you can’t find joy or pleasure in activities that used to get you excited and you feel generally lost. This is not the same as a depressed mood, feeling a little sad, or just having the blues for a day or two. This is when there is significant impairment that affects your day-to-day life and functioning. To the point that is causes a significant disruption in your ability to go to work, school, socialize etc.

Persistent Depressive disorder is when you have all these same feelings but for at least one year so they may not be as extreme as some of the above symptoms but you have a touch of them all and can’t shake it. Sadness, loneliness, (moments of happiness) but overall a depressed mood. You might still be able to lead a “normal” life but overall there’s a cloud, a darkness and and overarching theme of sadness in your life.

PMDD are all of these but limited to your menstrual cycle and Seasonal Affective Disorder is the same but tied to the seasons (this has lots to do with activity level, vitamin D and all that good stuff that we don’t get a lot of north of the Mason Dixon line.

Why is Depression such a hot topic?

More recently, thanks to our good friend COVID-19, a lot of the activities that normally bought us happiness and pleasure were involuntarily taken away, we were all kind of lost and to be honest things were looking pretty hopeless for awhile. We were all (by these standards) somewhat forced into an environment that fostered a collective, community depression. Additionally these feelings of hopelessness and loneliness are exactly what leads to suicide and self-harm and this is when its time to seek help. People like to throw around the phrase “I’m so depressed” and this is actually one of those mental health terms that applies to a large number of people.

How do we help?

In my time during my clinicals I’ve seen quite a few patients with depression and it’s a tough thing to treat. When someone feels hopeless telling them “It’s going to be okay!” actually has the opposite effect and is not helpful at all. Sometimes just being there to listen so they don’t feel lonely, giving them hope in the form of encouraging words, and small suggestions like taking a walk, making an art piece, and other small self-care tips. I’m not saying it’s easy, but it works, it’s been working for many people and will continue to work for many others. If someone you’re close to is suffering from depression, firstly try to encourage them to get into therapy. If they’re not at that place yet, just talk with them, listen to them and help them to not feel so alone. Suggest taking a walk, coloring, drawing, doing a puzzle, yoga, stretching, getting them to laugh. Something to engage their brain and help them to break free from the fog.

*If you or someone you know is feeling suicidal or are having thoughts of self-harm call the suicide hotline 800-273-TALK (8255)

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A Word on…

OCD

OCD, a word that’s been thrown around a lot these days. You might hear your friends saying “oh yes I had to clean my room before I left to meet you guys out because of my OCD”…or “I need all the books to face the same way because of my OCD”, in case you guys were wondering, this is not OCD this is called being clean and organized and it’s normal.

OCD or obsessive compulsive disorder is defined by obsessive thoughts and compulsions or compulsive behaviors. A lot of people suffer from obsessive thoughts from time to time. The need for perfection, organization and control, but what not a lot of people follow up with after these thoughts is compulsions or repetitive behaviors, rituals or actions that they HAVE to complete.

This becomes problematic with it begins to interfere with everyday life.

For example: someone with OCD might have the intrusive thought, “I’m going to get into a car crash if I leave my home and drive to work”. This thought alone is not abnormal and not a problem. A lot of people have this thought, I’ve had this thought and I’m sure at some point in your life you’ve had this thought as well. This might produce some anxiety (which is normal) and might give you some pause but after a few moments you realize that you’ll be fine because you drive to work everyday and the likelihood of you getting into an accident is low so you leave, go to work and have a great day. When you have the thought “”I’m going to get into a car crash if I leave my home and drive to work”, and the anxiety becomes intrusive, to the point where you are unable to leave your home not only to drive to work, but to drive anywhere and you begin to do compulsive activities that you think will prevent the ‘bad thing’ from happening. I might look something like this

  • I have the thought “I’m going to get into a car crash if I leave my home and drive to work”
  • The thought becomes overwhelming and I am unable to go about my day
  • I being to do compulsions before I leave my house to prevent the car crash that I think is going to happen
  • So when I wake up, I have to walk through the bathroom door at a certain speed, if I don’t do it correctly I need to do it again
  • I need to make my bed a certain way, in the same way every morning, and if I don’t do it correctly I need to do it again
  • When I leave and flip off the light switch, they all need to be facing down, and if I don’t do it correctly I need to do it again
  • When I get in my car and slam my door, it has to be done at a certain speed and slammed a certain way, and if I don’t do it correctly I need to do it again
  • (You see how this could be time consuming)
  • If these things are not done correctly causes tremendous anxiety, but if done correctly then the ‘bad thing’ won’t happen

You can see how these compulsions would take up a lot of not only mental time but psychical time as well. Someone could spend hours doing rituals each day and it could severely interfere with their day-to-day life and functioning.

This, is OCD.