I fly a lot. I live in New York, my parents live in the DC and the rest of my family lives in Florida. I’ve taken flights early in the morning, late at night, in the middle of the day, during summer, winter, fall, spring- basically all the time. But there is no busier time then the holidays and after some serious airtime I’ve come up with a few basic rules everyone should follow.
1. Thou shalt not speak to me. If my flight is before 1 pm or after 8:30pm don’t talk to me, I’ve either gotten up early or will have to stay up past my bedtime for this flight and don’t feel like being bothered. I don’t want to make small talk or hear about your fabulous vacation to Florida or how you aren’t looking forward to getting back to the cold weather up north. ESPECIALLY don’t talk to me while we’re taking off or landing. Now I’m a seasoned flyer and all but even the best of us get nervous especially when we’re taking off and the plane wobbles a bit in the beginning, I’m sweating just thinking about it.
2. Thou shalt not judge me for drinking. For a period of time, thank to all my frequent flying, I was sent a large number of drink vouchers. Drink vouchers which I fully intended to use before they expired, this meant every single time I flew day or night I would be drinking. So this is to the middle aged man I sat next to on my flight back to Miami at 10:30 in the morning- don’t judge me for throwing back one or three white wine spritzers….I deserve it.
3. Parents take ye advantage of benadryl. I know people have small children, and I know those small children have to sometimes take a flight to visit aunt myrtle in Maine, I know flying is scary, even I get scared and I’m 23. But for the sake of my migraine please sedate your children. And if by chance you happen to be one of those annoying hippie parents who don’t think it’s suitable to give children’s benadryl to children, then be prepared for the consequences.
4. Thou shalt not be an overly nervous flyer. Ok as I stated before I do enjoy a nice spritzer every now and then on a flight and yes I do get nervous. I usually say a quick prayer, close my eyes and I’m good to go. But my God I have flown with some nervous nillies. One time I was flying to Florida and I swear this women had four jack and cokes within the first hour of our flight and was sobbing the entire time. If it’s really that bad, why not take a train? drive? or better yet pop a xanax. There’s a reason thousands of people fly every year….because it’s safe.
5. If ye are large, be ye considerate. We come in all shapes are sizes, but the worst size to fly with double XL. You have not had a bad flying experience until you’ve sat in the middle seat between two larger than life people. You deserve to have a pleasant flying experience just like everyone else, but if one of your legs is in the window seat and the other is in my center seat, we have a problem and you need to buy an extra ticket.
6. Thou shalt be a considerate sleeper. Don’t be the guy that falls asleep on the person next to you and starts snoring and drooling. Airplanes are small and full on strangers don’t feel like you can make yourself at home which brings me to the next point.
7. Thou shalt not eat smelly foods. As I said before, airplanes are small. If you get a bacon cheeseburger with extra onions and a side of pickles from McDonald’s everyone on the plane and the pilot will know what’s up. That shiz is nasty for many reasons. Be a good boy and eat the pretzels and peanuts they give you and save the Thanksgiving feast for after the flight is over.
8. DON’T FLY WITH A YAPPY PET. SEDATE IT.
9. Don’t have loud conversations across the aisles. If you and your buddy get separated and happen to have two aisle seats across from each other, first of all, be grateful. Secondly, take a second to yawn so your ears will pop then begin your conversation. You’ll now realize it’s not necessary for you two to yell at each other in order to communicate. You’re welcome.
10. DON’T ASK ME TO CHANGE MY SEAT. Soooooo I made a point to be sure and print out my boarding pass exactly 24 hours before my flight so I could get in group A and therefore get the seat I wanted. Don’t come bumbling into the plane 10 minutes before we take off because you’re in the C group asking everybody and their mother if they can switch seats so you and your family can sit next to each other. The answer is no.