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I got 99 problems and they all have to do with the cold weather

One of my dear friends happens to live in an apartment where her landlord controls her heat and because of this, according to her “my sexual activity greatly increases during the winter months, I like to use men for their heat” I assume she means body and otherwise.

When I’m not complaining about how hot it is, I’m usually complaining about how cold it is and that is why winter is my least favorite month.

99.  My mood is terrible from the months of November – late March

98. My social activity decreases to an embarrassingly low level

97. Not only can we control the heat in our apartment but I also have a personal space heater

96. and an electric blanket

95. and a snuggie

94. I sleep with them all on

93. All my normal socks have been replaced with fuzzy ones

92. I am forever grateful for my DVR and the hours I can spend watching house hunters international

91. Piping hot showers

90. My diet consists of 80% hot chocolate

89 – 1. Not shaving my legs

 

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7 types of people you see celebrating St. Patricks Day

It’s been exactly two years since the best St. Patty’s day of my life, unfortunately this one did not compare by any means. Since I was more of an observer than a participant this year I was able to pinpoint the different types of Irish men and women out celebrating.

1. The Irish men. This is an actual Irish man (or women of course) who just happens to be in the city on St. Patrick’s Day to just bless us with their authentic presence. Signs of the Irish men? an accent, red hair, pale skin, general loudness, usually the happiest person in the bar.

2. The not Irish men (or women), this person is neither Irish nor cares too much about St. Patrick’s Day; however, they are very into the hype surrounding it ie. green ketchup at Burger King, Shamrock shakes at McDonald’s, green beer and bagels, see a theme?

3. The in between Irish, this person started out the evening with good intentions, they were totally psyched about St. Patrick’s Day. Arriving at the bar super early dressed in all green, with shamrocks beads, leprechaun socks, and probably covered in green glitter, they were so excited to see and be seen but somewhere around their 8th beer and 4th Irish car bomb they lost their way and their St. Patrick’s day spirit.

4. The lost Irish, this person lives under a rock, has no idea its St. Patrick’s day. They just so happened to wander into a bar named Mcsorely’s, Finnerty’s or McFadden’s, decked out in green decorations and still maintain a confused, lost and annoyed look on their face throughout the evening.

5. The unwilling animal. Yes, this is what is sounds like, a poor animal who found itself on the wrong side of a spray paint can.

6. The unwilling friend. Once again, just what it sounds like, a friend who has been forced against their will to celebrate.

And for number 7 some of my favorite St. Patrick’s day social media posts:

You know it’s Saint Patrick’s day when there is a line of 100 people outside Mcsorleys at 6:45 am on your way to the gym

Just watched 25+ people get ticketed and three arrested for public drinking and intoxication by Grand Central….Happy St. Patty’s Day!!!

Twinkle twinkle little star, point me to the nearest bar #StPatricksDay

If anyone tries to pinch you today for not wearing green just tell them your dick is green and they’ll leave you alone. #StPatricksDay

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What I know now, that I wish I knew then

1. What I know now is how to take care of my hair, brushing it everyday should be a routine not an option, #blackgirlproblems – moisture is a necessity, not an option.

2. What I know now is that by the time I turned 24 I would feel like an old shriveled up lady, is it normal to feel like it’s too late for me? – maybe its the cold weather.

3. I should probably try to stay in a job for more than 9 months. Was there a class I missed that said 1 year was the golden time period? Thanks.

4. Enjoy going out in college because once you graduate college (Drake famously said) “Nothing was the same”.  I am totally and completely astonished at how true this statement is. I literally cannot muster up enough energy to go out and when I do, I keep staring at the clock remarking at how late it is – 2:30 a.m. is definitely my cutoff time.

5. I wished I had saved all those $20’s my grandparents used to slip me, instead of blowing then on 7-elven hotdogs and Auntie Annie’s pretzels.

6. Speaking of 7-eleven hotdogs….ew.