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Quarantine show round up – Married at First Sight

So if you’re unaware what this show is about, try reading and re-reading the title of this post again. Lifetime has really made the jump from overly dramatic movies with titles such as “Death of a Cheerleader, “Escaping my stalker” and “Burning Bed” (a classic) to dramatic TV Shows. The basic premise of the show is that a team of ‘experts’ – not sure why I put that in quotes because they really are professionals go through a pool of men and women and put together 4 to 5 couples. The only thing they know about their spouse is their ring size and the first time they actually lay eyes on them is when they are walking down the aisle.

After they get married they have like one or two days, then they go on their honeymoon (usually in Mexico), the other couples are also there and they sometimes get together for little activities and whatnot. When they come home they immediately move into a neutral space (this is a newt thing, they used to decide who’s house they wanted to move into OR got the decision to move into a neutral space). The experts will sprinkle in little challenges throughout their time together ie. host a dinner with friends and family, a love or sex game, go to the other person house and go through their stuff, etc. Its cure and very curated to foster love ❤

Yes this sounds crazy and personally I would not do this HOWEVER, it makes for fucking great TV. A good amount of the couples are veeerrrryyyy well matched. For example (I don’t know the season numbers) but there was a couple in Washington, DC who was super awkward and weird and they were perfect for each other, there was one in Charlotte that was amazing Deonna and Greg I think their names were? they’re having a child now. I’m currently watching New Orleans and although I’m only a few episodes there’s two couples who I think are very solid. Bennet and Olivia and Woody and his wife (I truly can’t remember her name)**. I LOVE the diversity they have on the show and by diversity I mean a good mix of black and white couples, I’d still like to see some other ethnicities represented but they have at least come this far. I got my parents into the Washington, DC season while I was home and let me just say my mom and I would get chastised for for watching without him.

The experts, pictured below, are the ones that match up the couples, and help council them throughout the process.

Married at First Sight' replaces Jessica Griffin for new season

Dr. Pepper is the little one, Pastor Cal who is my fucking favorite (also a fan and show favorite, legit the couples get so excited to see him) and I think the brunette one is Jessica*** but I also can’t remember.

Anyways I give this show a 10/10, I’m actually watching right now, it’s an awesome way to unwind and I’ve turned on many a friend to this vibe. Plus each season has like a million episodes so you’ll be occupied throughout the rest of quarantine.

** It’s Amani I just looked it up

***Dr. Viviane Cortes it just flashed on the screen

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Quarantine Show Round-Up – Love Island UK

Yes, this is ONLY for the UK version because I’ve heard the USA version is trash.

For those of you who’ve already tuned in you all know Season 3 is superior to all the others. Chris and Liv, Montana is a gem, Kem is hilarious, Marcel and Gaby and our precious Cam. I dream in British, I’ve started saying crack on, muggy, fancy, and my type ‘on paper’ just to name a few.

So for those of you who don’t have access to basic British television or Hulu plus? (whatever the premium version of Hulu is you are seriously missing out. This show is like a “Too Hot too Handle” original with full blown sex and 50 episodes. I’d describe it as a cross between Married at First Sight, 90 Day Fiancé. Essentially a bunch of “attractive by British standards” people, they are forced to couple up on first sight and for the next 50ish days? people come in and out of the villa, couple up, there are challenges, the public votes and the winner gets 50,000 pounds.

Some of the challenges include: Covering your partner in lipstick kisses, seeing if you and your partner can eat a hotdog at the same time, making cocktails by passing liquid through each others mouths, you know… wholesome things like that.

I will say the narrator is literally the funniest, the comments he makes on the show and the people are fucking hilarious, the producers are genius, the way they piece together the show and manage to make an hour long episode out of one day at the villa. *chefs kiss*. Like they’ve managed to make an entire show with a group of people who sit around, chat, drink and play random games all day is astonishing. Not to mention they are in swimsuits all day (hello yeast infection), get into full glam every night, have no TV, no cellphones, no contact with the outside world whatsoever!?

Just watch it, trust me. It’s quality TV.

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Quarantine Show Round-up – What we do in the Shadows

For fans of Twilight (the BOOKS NOT THE FUCKING HORRIBLE ASS MOVIES), Dracula and Let the Right one in (if you know what last one is, dm me @theshadeistooreal) What we do in the Shadows is amazing. Not to give too much away but it’s a documentary style comedy on FX about a group of Vampires who live in Staten Island.

I know that sounds super fucking weird, and it is and that’s what makes it so wonderful. The show centers around Nandor the Relentess, Nadja, Laszlo, Colin Robinson and Guillermo the familiar.

Slight sidenote please look at the transformation for the actor who plays Nandor because he is a fox.

So it’s kind of a hard show to explain but its a mockumentary style show and just follows around their shenanigans. Laszlo and Nadja are in a relationship. Nandor is essentially the oldest and head of the household and despite being a conquerer and being known for slaughtering villages of people he is the sweetest of the bunch. Colin Robinson is an energy vampire aka he sucks the life out of people by being so boring. He’s honestly my least favorite character and at one point it seemed like they were going to kill him off the show and tbh I’m kind of upset that they didn’t. He seems like a very useless character and just in general plays a boring white bald man.

Guillermo is a familiar, which is a human who lives with the vampires who like helps protect them during the day time and runs errands for them and also helps them do normal things like using a computer, running to the drugstore etc. Him and Nandor have the closest relationship even though Nandor can treat him like shit sometimes. Guillermo wants to be a vampire despite having Van Helsing ancestry and is unusually skilled at taking them down. Anyways the show is super weird, the accents that they all have are so fucking funny like I could literally watch this show all day and not get bored, I actually have this issue with shows that are only 30 minutes long because I knock them off so quickly. Like give me a week, I’ll watch two episodes a night and be done in 5 days! It’s pretty annoying. I truly wonder why shows with such huge followings (ie Insecure) with hard core fan bases who demand longer episodes don’t make them longer? Anyways, I’ll be reviewing Insecure sometime soon so stay tuned!

This wasn’t as great as the other reviews, but it’s honestly such a hard show to explain, you guys will just have to watch and learn more.

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Quarantine show round up – Selling Sunset

Do you like beautiful homes? Do you like women who are bleached blonde within an inch of their life and pumped full of plastic? (your body, your choice..but not when it comes to a mask) Do you like extremely staged and made up drama? Do you like 30 year old women who are falling into stereotypical high school roles? If the answer to any of these question is yes then run from your bedroom to your living room, log onto your parents Netflix and tune into Selling Sunset. The trashier, more glamorous and less realistic version of Million Dollar Listings. Bought to you by the creator of Laguna Beach (this could be a lie) Selling Sunset features the private and professional lives of the employees of the Oppenheimer Group run by Jason and Josh? Justin? I legit can’t remember the other guys name. But it’s these two brothers suffering from severe Napoleon syndrome who run this super successful real estate brokerage in L.A.

Due to their Napoleon Syndrome they’ve filled their brokerage with the classic combination of “tall leggy blondes” ie. Christine aka, a walking caricature of a person, a wanna be mean girl, she’s really just a life size sex doll, with overfilled lips and horrible bleached extensions. She’s set up as the mean girl but honestly barely scratches the surface as a mean girl.

The hot “foreign girl” – Maya, a gorgeous Israeli girl who is the voice of reason, a husband who is never shown on the show and one of the brunettes. Chrisell, the “small town girl who want’s to be everyones friend” she’s married to the hot guy from “This is Us” and I think they’re divorced now. Her story of a small town Kentucky girl who came to LA to be an actress? or something along those lines. Honestly she’s a little bored and too nice and polished so we can move on. Mary, is pushed 40, just married a 25 year old frenchman who barely speaks English. All the girls are jealous of her because her and short man #1 aka Jason briefly dated and he gives her a ton of listings. Her and Christine used to be friends but there needed to be some drama so they had a falling out because Christine flung some weak ass insult her way and called her a fucking bitch once.

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Davina is honestly boring and has the face of a robot and is thrown in every one in awhile to support whatever ridiculous rant Christine is on. Amanza aka her name should be Amanda because wtf is on a constant merry go round between taking care of her kids and running late to listing appointments and could also be demoted to guest star. There’s one more blond girl and despite currently watching the show I cannot remember her name. She has a voice that could break glass and a personality to match. She’s currently dating some HGTV star, Tarek? and won’t shut up about it, also a huge secondary star.

Honestly 4/10 would recommend, it’s great background noise but not good for anything else.

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Quarantine show round up – 90 Day Fiancé, Before the 90 Days

For those of you who are fans of 90 Day Fiancé aka the show where Americans meet foreigners and have to marry them within 90 days of them arriving on American soil you know that this was TV’s best kept secret. Ever since Big Ed made his debut hoes has been flocking to TLC (which deserves it’s own post for all the quality TV) to watch all the gems. To be clear there is 90 Day Fiancé, Before the 90 Days (thank you Big Ed), 90 Day’s – Happily Ever After and the subject of this post 90 Day’s the other way.

In summation The other way is just that. The opposite of the OG 90 Day. In this case the American’s move overseas or abroad to be with their significant other, either because of Visa issues, personal things or the person just wanted to stay in their home country, remember people, not everyone want’s to come live in America…

Unfortunately there are only 2 seasons of The Other way out right now and it’s a real shame because this shit right here is on another level. The age gaps are astounding, the areas of the world they travel to are truly out of this world and some of the situations they get themselves into are just absolutely insane. I don’t want to get into any spoilers  (spoilers ahead) but you all just really have to watch. Some of the couples to look out for are Jenny and Sumit, Jenny actually was catfished and when she found out about the catfishing proceeded to form a relationship with her catfisher (is that a word?), Paul and Karine  from S1 who are an entire hot ass mess and apparently a fan favorite because they’ve managed to jump from Before the 90 days, to 90 day’s the other way and slither their way into 90 Days Happily ever after. Karine lives in an actual tiki hut off the amazon river in Brazil and Paul, bless his soul, is told by his doctor to put a condom on before traveling so no snakes crawl up his urethra..

Evelin and Corey which is a real trainwreck given the fact that Evelin could not care less about Corey. He legit moves to Ecuador and this is her face when he arrives

Screen Shot 2020-08-09 at 4.34.33 PM I mean ahahahaha.

She also makes it clear that she needs to marry Corey within a month of him getting there but she has no desire to get married at all. Tiffany and Ronald are pretty boring but she does get pregnant pretty soon after arriving to South Africa despite Ronald getting out of AA the day after her arrival then promptly going out and getting shitfaced at his bachelor party. Devean and Jihon are very interesting because she got pregnant the first time she met him and decided to move to Korea to be with him. Like any logical man, Jihoon didn’t save money or get them an apartment because “he didn’t take the relationship seriously because it was long distance” despite the fact that Devean had his whole ass baby and sold everything to move to Korea.

Honey, it’s a mess, it’s real and it’s all on TLC.

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¿¿Dating??

Everyone has 1,001 opinions about dating and how to date. Do we really have a verdict?

  • Go on the apps and try swiping
  • Stay off the apps, everyone on there is not serious
  • Set your mind and intentions to being open and looking
  • Don’t try, you’ll come off as desperate
  • It’ll happen when you least expect (my favorite)
  • Live your life and don’t think about it
  • Keep it top of mind so the “universe” knows

¿Does anyone have any idea what actually works? And can someone send me some assistance. Thanks 😊

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SAD and the Verilux Hero

I need to write a review about the Verilux Happy Light because this little shit has saved my whole entire life.

I swear I was ready to throw myself in front of an express 2 train the other day and I couldn’t figure out why, then I remembered it was officially the winter solstice aka my weak season. See I suffer from something called SAD or Seasonal Affective Disorder. Basically i get reaaaaalllllyyyyy down and out during the winter, colder months.  For this reason I DREAD fall because I know (in the words of John Snow) winter is coming and I really lose it.

Enter my sunlight, while I wish I was getting paid or some sort of promotion to write this, I am not and had to fork out $37.16 for my Verilux Happy Light, but let me tell you it’s worth every penny. The instructions say you’re supposed to sit with it a few feet away from your face for 20-30 minutes. I however, being the little rule breaker I am sit with it 3 inches away from my face for at LEAST 45 minutes. After 20 I feel good and after 30 I feel like I could run a marathon (I would never though) and at 45 I’ve peaked. I usually like to pair the sunlight with another soothing activity like watching tv, coloring my adult coloring book or talking to on the phone (it’s hard to eat – my favorite activity – and lay down with a light shining in your face, and yes I’ve tried).

The point is, if you feel sadder than usual in the winter and you dread the cold weather and sun setting early, skip brunch this weekend and put $40 towards a sunlight, don’t be ashamed and know that you’re not the only one. This shit is seriously out here saving lives.

 

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Review: Cuba

Before we get into the photos (and yes there are a lot of them) let me answer a few questions.

Yes,all of the cars are like that, I maybe saw 5 that were modern

No, your cellphone will not work AT ALL

Yes, they like Americans, it’s our government they don’t like (neither do I so it’s cool)

No, you’re fine, I went with my 3 girl cousins and we walked around at night by ourselves

Yes, it’s cheap AF and the food and drinks are delicious, my whole trip was maybe $1k including flights, air bnb, food, activities, taxis (and we ate at the most expensive restaurants)

No, your credit cards will not work AT ALL

Yes, the majority of the people speak Spanish and a little bit of english but really try and know some Spanish before you go, it’ll make your whole trip easier.

No, it’s not hard to enter the country, don’t let the press fool you

Yes, they love Che and do have some issues with Castro (who doesn’t)

No, you shouldn’t judge anything about the country, place or the people until you visit, and not just visit with learn some of the history, talk to the people and really try and have an open mind if you did you might just learn something 🤔

Yes, I went with an open mind and did all of the above and my conclusion? Like always America is the worst 😂

Now for the good stuff.

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Review: Sunday Scaries

No matter how much you love your job, your life, your apartment or the dinner you ate the night before at some point in your life you will experience what we lovingly call the Sunday Scaries. This is when the weight of the weekend, the week before and just life in general begin to weigh on your shoulders and you wonder is it all worth it? Should I just cash in my money, move to Atlanta and become a stripper (not to say stripping isn’t difficult because it damn sure well is).

Now don’t get it twisted the Sunday scaries don’t come every weekend, just after a particularly fun weekend, long weekend, one where you’ve done a lot of shit things, the weather is beautiful, the weather is shitty or just randomly! The point is I had them today for the first time in as long as I can remember and it really had me fucked up. I do a lot of self care things, I eat tasty foods, paint my nails all the time, read self help books, watch all the trashy TV I want etc. so when I get down it startles the fuck out of me and I don’t know what to do.

So today I went for a walk, ate ice cream and am making this blog post to help lift my spirits. I hope none of you ever have to go through the Sunday scaries, and if you do I hope you have a laundry list of things you can do to make yourself feel better.

HAPPY SUNDAY BITCHES.

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Review: Apple Support

SO I just had to write this review at the tender hour of 10:17pm on a Monday night because I was about ready to flush my iPhone down the toilet until I spoke to the lovely Brent over at Apple (also big shout out to the Scottish/Irish man who helped me on Sunday).

Long story short, I got an iPad in 2013 for Christmas (literally besides my Beats headphones this was the best gift I’d ever gotten). I  used it faithfully and merrily for 3 long and luscious years UNTIL January of 2017 when some fucker managed to hack into my iCloud account, change the primary email address and LOCK ME THE FUCK OUT. For 1 long strenuous year I was unable to use my beloved iPad and because the little ho-bag changed my security questions I couldn’t get in. But that all changed today, my sweet father (shout out to you Terry Washington) trekked his black ass up to Maryland, went to the Best Buy in Wheaton (don’t worry he was already up there for business) got my receipt and NOW after 374 long days of pain and suffering I’ve been reunited with my iPad (First World problems, I know). IN MY DEFENSE, I’ve been flying a lot lately (yes I hear how spoiled I sound with every stroke of the keys) and I just started watching this new Spanish telenovela called Velvet. Anyways, Apple Care was SO GOOD TO ME. So helpful even when I couldn’t fully explain myself, and they’re able to like remotely control your computer so that when you’re an idiot like me they can help you out faster.

The point is, I love Apple Care, fuck Android, Steve Jobs forever (only second to Wakanda)