These are my thoughts on surgery – don’t have it.
I had my first surgical procedure about 3.5 weeks ago and I am still at home recovering, and by recovering I mean struggling. Here’s a few things they don’t tell you before you go under the knife
1. Anesthesia fucks with you
Did you enjoy sleeping through the night? Feeling rested in the morning? Rolling out of bed at 10:30 or 11 to start your day? That’s nice, because I did too until I was put under for 3 hours. Granted the first few days I was completely out of it but one thing I do remember is the creeping insomnia. I feel so blessed that I am able to experience literally every hour of the 24 hour day. It’s a real hoot. For example did you know that 4 am darkness is darker than 3am darkness and that at 6am it’s the darkest of all right before the sun begins to rise at 6:30 am!
2. Get ready to rumble!
Did you once eat whatever you wanted with no consequence? could you sleep in any position you wanted? tossing and turning the night away? You can kiss that goodbye. Who knew the human body was so active. You want to sleep on your side? nope. Feeling like a second helping of ice cream? try again. Pizza for breakfast like old times? prepare for the worst heartburn of your life!! Oh and remember when you could eat whatever you wanted because your body ran like a well oiled machine? I’m sure you do, I’m sure you also remember the week and a half you spent in the hospital eating nothing but ice chips, well lets just say your body is going to hang on to every single calorie you put in your mouth as payback. You’re going to feel like you swallowed 5 lbs of cement and you are not going to like it.
3. Legs? What legs?
I miss walking to the kitchen to fix a snack, I miss skipping down the sidewalk, and running to a sale in the mall. Unfortunately my legs don’t to work like that anymore. They will deteriorate, become little, twigs, you’ll lose all your muscle tone and you won’t be able to wear pants…
4. Redbull gives you wiiiings!
Remember when you get sit down on the sofa for a nice TV marathon, get up, fix yourself a snack, get in your car and drive to meet friends for drinks? Yea, that was fun. Do you know how it feels to be out of breath after brushing your teeth? To need a nap after showering? It’s not fun and it makes me feel old.
So I’ll be moving in a few weeks and I’m trying to explain to my parents the importance of having a TV in my room.
Watching TV for me is like therapy. For two hours a day, six when I was unemployed, I was transported to another land. A land of Kardashians, Mob Wives and Duck Dynasty. I forgot my troubles of being a 22 year old unemployed college graduate who was in $30,000 worth of debt and no way to pay it back (thanks so mom and dad it’s now down to $27,000, yay!). When you’re watching TV time stands still and it moves forward, your mind is still but it’s also running at 1,000 miles an hour. There’s nothing like snuggling up in bed, fixing yourself a delicious snack, settling into a neck pillow and having a four hour Law and Order: SVU marathon for an entire afternoon.
“The weather outside is frightful”. Frank Sinatra was obviously thinking about DC when he wrote this line. I don’t really know how to describe it, but I can say with confidence that it’s not pleasant. It tends to snow in April and temperatures sometimes top 70 degrees in February, and let’s not even get into the summer. I can only compare summers in DC to to getting a bad perm. [Quick note: this is the process of chemically straightening hair]
When you get a bad perm the chemicals usually sit on your head for too long and it begins to burn. Not like “oh, I got to close to the fire” burn, or “oh, some hot oil splashed on me” burn. It’s more of a “I just ingested fire and my brain is literally melting” burn. The intensity of the heat is unbearable, uncomfortable, and unsettling, and there is literally no escaping it. The worst part of all? Both the perm and the weather leave your hair looking an absolute hot mess.
If you live in D.C. enjoy the 3 days that is Spring and the pollen induced coma that comes along with it.
When you’re in high school, living at home is “nbd” (that’s no big deal for those of you over age 50). It’s normal, it’s expected, and everybody does it. But once you move out and go to college, your eyes are opened to a whole new world. Everything is at your fingertips, your dorm room, your friends, the cafeteria, restaurants, bars, everything. It’s beautiful, liberating and sometimes (always) hazardous to your health. Sadly, like all good things it comes to an end and if you’re lucky ie. you graduated before 2007 you had a job and an apartment right out of college. Unfortunately for me, I graduated in 2012 and I neither had a job nor an apartment, just two parents and a dog. For those of you contemplating moving back home, here’s a word of advice, don’t. Every pro you can think of has an even bigger con. You don’t pay rent? That’s all find and dandy but it means you literally own nothing. You can’t come and go as you please, you can’t change the furniture, throw a party, or paint the walls. You can’t buy those cute pink appliances from Bloomingdales or altuzarra cups for your cocktails. That beautiful headboard you saw in Restoration Hardware? Forget it. Every single piece from the Zara home collection? No way. It doesn’t go with the your baby blue walls that were painted when you were in 7th grade. And forget trying to have an at-home happy hour: trust me, parents do not respond well when you start drinking at 5:15 on a Wednesday afternoon. They just don’t get it. You don’t have to go grocery shopping? Fantastic, bye bye ramen hello baked chicken, mashed potatoes and steamed vegetables. But wait! It seems as if while you’ve been gone your parents have adjusted to being empty nesters and forgotten how to work the stove. So it’s back to ramen for me.
The DC metro is like none other. Not only does the cost rise and fall depending on how far your travel and what time of day but you can always count on one or more stations being closed on the weekend for track work. This work that the transportation department keeps talking about doesn’t seem to be helping alleviate the commute on metro since the trains are always single tracking during the weekdays. You can also depend on an escalator being broken and coming across it when you’re in a rush.
The Green, Yellow, Orange and Blue lines: I’m not really sure where these go and I never take them so I can’t really speak on their performance.
The Red line: Everything is on the red line: you want to out drinking? Go to DuPont Circle, venture to the movies? Silver Spring, try a trendy restaurant? Chinatown, trying to transfer to any other line? Metro Center is the place for you. Are you a teenybopper looking for a new outfit? Try Wheaton, White Flint or Grovesnor and of course, if you are unemployed or between the ages of 3 and 95 go to the zoo! The red line, really the heartbeat and the blood (because its red!) of the DMV…. well not really the V but the DM.
Besides the finicky nature of the metro the locations of the stations are a tad inconvenient. For example the White Flint metro station isn’t really at White Flint, the Grovesnor one is, and the Grovesnor station is the closest to Montgomery Mall, but you still have to take the bus there. AND THERE’S NO METRO IN GEORGETOWN. Honestly this is the greatest travesty of all.