A week in Quarantine – Hamptons Edition

I wonder is it even appropriate to still say quarantine because we’re all definitely not staying at home.

Anyway, I spent the last week in the Hamptons with my friends and it was glorious. We stayed in Amagansett in a 3 bd 2 ba house, complete with pool, wraparound deck and lots and lots of champagne.

Cheers to Summer not being dead.

Quarantine Show Round-up – What we do in the Shadows

For fans of Twilight (the BOOKS NOT THE FUCKING HORRIBLE ASS MOVIES), Dracula and Let the Right one in (if you know what last one is, dm me @theshadeistooreal) What we do in the Shadows is amazing. Not to give too much away but it’s a documentary style comedy on FX about a group of Vampires who live in Staten Island.

I know that sounds super fucking weird, and it is and that’s what makes it so wonderful. The show centers around Nandor the Relentess, Nadja, Laszlo, Colin Robinson and Guillermo the familiar.

Slight sidenote please look at the transformation for the actor who plays Nandor because he is a fox.

So it’s kind of a hard show to explain but its a mockumentary style show and just follows around their shenanigans. Laszlo and Nadja are in a relationship. Nandor is essentially the oldest and head of the household and despite being a conquerer and being known for slaughtering villages of people he is the sweetest of the bunch. Colin Robinson is an energy vampire aka he sucks the life out of people by being so boring. He’s honestly my least favorite character and at one point it seemed like they were going to kill him off the show and tbh I’m kind of upset that they didn’t. He seems like a very useless character and just in general plays a boring white bald man.

Guillermo is a familiar, which is a human who lives with the vampires who like helps protect them during the day time and runs errands for them and also helps them do normal things like using a computer, running to the drugstore etc. Him and Nandor have the closest relationship even though Nandor can treat him like shit sometimes. Guillermo wants to be a vampire despite having Van Helsing ancestry and is unusually skilled at taking them down. Anyways the show is super weird, the accents that they all have are so fucking funny like I could literally watch this show all day and not get bored, I actually have this issue with shows that are only 30 minutes long because I knock them off so quickly. Like give me a week, I’ll watch two episodes a night and be done in 5 days! It’s pretty annoying. I truly wonder why shows with such huge followings (ie Insecure) with hard core fan bases who demand longer episodes don’t make them longer? Anyways, I’ll be reviewing Insecure sometime soon so stay tuned!

This wasn’t as great as the other reviews, but it’s honestly such a hard show to explain, you guys will just have to watch and learn more.

Quarantine show round up – Selling Sunset

Do you like beautiful homes? Do you like women who are bleached blonde within an inch of their life and pumped full of plastic? (your body, your choice..but not when it comes to a mask) Do you like extremely staged and made up drama? Do you like 30 year old women who are falling into stereotypical high school roles? If the answer to any of these question is yes then run from your bedroom to your living room, log onto your parents Netflix and tune into Selling Sunset. The trashier, more glamorous and less realistic version of Million Dollar Listings. Bought to you by the creator of Laguna Beach (this could be a lie) Selling Sunset features the private and professional lives of the employees of the Oppenheimer Group run by Jason and Josh? Justin? I legit can’t remember the other guys name. But it’s these two brothers suffering from severe Napoleon syndrome who run this super successful real estate brokerage in L.A.

Due to their Napoleon Syndrome they’ve filled their brokerage with the classic combination of “tall leggy blondes” ie. Christine aka, a walking caricature of a person, a wanna be mean girl, she’s really just a life size sex doll, with overfilled lips and horrible bleached extensions. She’s set up as the mean girl but honestly barely scratches the surface as a mean girl.

The hot “foreign girl” – Maya, a gorgeous Israeli girl who is the voice of reason, a husband who is never shown on the show and one of the brunettes. Chrisell, the “small town girl who want’s to be everyones friend” she’s married to the hot guy from “This is Us” and I think they’re divorced now. Her story of a small town Kentucky girl who came to LA to be an actress? or something along those lines. Honestly she’s a little bored and too nice and polished so we can move on. Mary, is pushed 40, just married a 25 year old frenchman who barely speaks English. All the girls are jealous of her because her and short man #1 aka Jason briefly dated and he gives her a ton of listings. Her and Christine used to be friends but there needed to be some drama so they had a falling out because Christine flung some weak ass insult her way and called her a fucking bitch once.

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Davina is honestly boring and has the face of a robot and is thrown in every one in awhile to support whatever ridiculous rant Christine is on. Amanza aka her name should be Amanda because wtf is on a constant merry go round between taking care of her kids and running late to listing appointments and could also be demoted to guest star. There’s one more blond girl and despite currently watching the show I cannot remember her name. She has a voice that could break glass and a personality to match. She’s currently dating some HGTV star, Tarek? and won’t shut up about it, also a huge secondary star.

Honestly 4/10 would recommend, it’s great background noise but not good for anything else.

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Quarantine show round up – 90 Day Fiancé, Before the 90 Days

For those of you who are fans of 90 Day Fiancé aka the show where Americans meet foreigners and have to marry them within 90 days of them arriving on American soil you know that this was TV’s best kept secret. Ever since Big Ed made his debut hoes has been flocking to TLC (which deserves it’s own post for all the quality TV) to watch all the gems. To be clear there is 90 Day Fiancé, Before the 90 Days (thank you Big Ed), 90 Day’s – Happily Ever After and the subject of this post 90 Day’s the other way.

In summation The other way is just that. The opposite of the OG 90 Day. In this case the American’s move overseas or abroad to be with their significant other, either because of Visa issues, personal things or the person just wanted to stay in their home country, remember people, not everyone want’s to come live in America…

Unfortunately there are only 2 seasons of The Other way out right now and it’s a real shame because this shit right here is on another level. The age gaps are astounding, the areas of the world they travel to are truly out of this world and some of the situations they get themselves into are just absolutely insane. I don’t want to get into any spoilers  (spoilers ahead) but you all just really have to watch. Some of the couples to look out for are Jenny and Sumit, Jenny actually was catfished and when she found out about the catfishing proceeded to form a relationship with her catfisher (is that a word?), Paul and Karine  from S1 who are an entire hot ass mess and apparently a fan favorite because they’ve managed to jump from Before the 90 days, to 90 day’s the other way and slither their way into 90 Days Happily ever after. Karine lives in an actual tiki hut off the amazon river in Brazil and Paul, bless his soul, is told by his doctor to put a condom on before traveling so no snakes crawl up his urethra..

Evelin and Corey which is a real trainwreck given the fact that Evelin could not care less about Corey. He legit moves to Ecuador and this is her face when he arrives

Screen Shot 2020-08-09 at 4.34.33 PM I mean ahahahaha.

She also makes it clear that she needs to marry Corey within a month of him getting there but she has no desire to get married at all. Tiffany and Ronald are pretty boring but she does get pregnant pretty soon after arriving to South Africa despite Ronald getting out of AA the day after her arrival then promptly going out and getting shitfaced at his bachelor party. Devean and Jihon are very interesting because she got pregnant the first time she met him and decided to move to Korea to be with him. Like any logical man, Jihoon didn’t save money or get them an apartment because “he didn’t take the relationship seriously because it was long distance” despite the fact that Devean had his whole ass baby and sold everything to move to Korea.

Honey, it’s a mess, it’s real and it’s all on TLC.

Quarantine Show Round-up

Since everybody (including myself) keeps talking about Corona like it’s over I thought I’d provide you with some great quarantine shows to help you pass the time. I know this is a totally original idea and there are no other lists out there so you’re welcome in advance.

First up in Bravo.

So I know this isn’t a TV show but rather a network but I’ll say this you could literally spend an entire 2 month long stay at home order watching Bravo. I’m pretty sure this is what I first did especially because they were re-running all of their classics like NYC Prep and Gallery Girls.

I started off by watching Real Housewives of Atlanta which can we all just agree is probably one of the best/trashiest shows ever? I mean the fact that there was a rumor going around at one point that Kandi – who mind you- doesn’t even drink wanted to drug Porsha and keep her in her basement is hilarious. Especially considering the fact that Porsha looks like a sex doll and has the IQ of one too. Meanwhile Kandi is the only housewife with any actual real money or statues. Anyways that was Season.. I actually don’t know but I think it was the season that Pheadra got kicked off because she’s the one that started the rumor. To be honest I’m surprised Andy made her leave because if there’s one thing I’m sure he likes its drama that brings in viewers. Ok back to my point, the Real Housewives is first on the list because it’s honestly a 10/10 when it comes to Bravo shows, it features an all black cast with the exception of Kim Z on the first few season, the women’s wigs and makeup are CONSTANTLY on point. Like I know the Beverly Hills bitches have money but honestly no cast dresses better than Atlanta, no cast is more relevant than Atlanta and no one has more drama. I mean Phaedra’s husband was locked up for tax evasion? Kenya’s window was kicked in by her fake boyfriend and she married a man with a nose ring a season later. We got to see the full on launch of a fake clothing brand “She by Sheree”, we saw the evolution of Nene’s wig, we watched Kandi find love and we got to see Porsha think that the underground railroad was a real thing. Trust me, if you’re looking for something to fill your time. This is it. Start with Season one and just keep watching. If anything be blessed by the presence of Cynthia Bailey the most beautiful women on earth and Eva Marcille in a close second place.

You’re welcome.

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City Scenes

Back in the city for good post Quarantine in Florida. I haven’t been out much because I’m still scared of getting corona but I have ridden the subway (a little contradictory no?). I only have a few photos but I also have a few words.

I’m feeling glad to be back and oddly hopeful. Despite cutting off a few situations that were no longer serving me I feel happy and light. Overall looking forward to what the rest of the year will bring.